How Not To Writte… On Google+

You know that noise you get in cartoons when someone tells a really terrible joke and the obligatory tumbleweed rolls lazily past as the wind whistles all around? That’s what it sounds like when you log into Google+.

Google has brought us many brilliant and useful things – who, after all, searches for ANYTHING online and doesn’t use the Google search engine? Probably just people who work at Microsoft and are made to use Bing on pain of having red-hot pokers shoved in unpleasant places if they so much as look like they’re going to do a Google search. (Ed: *runs a Google search* “Do Amazon ship red-hot pokers that are compatible with Bill Gates?…”)

So we all love the Google search engine, right?

But Google+ is without doubt the worst social network of them all – there, we’ve said it and it’s out in the room! Phew, I bet you all feel better now, right? You thought it was only you, didn’t you? Even that little ‘+’ at the end is annoying, sitting there looking all smug and winking at you with its one little cross eye, twitching nervously at it contemplates whether to bollocks up your search optimisation.

Do:

  • Post your blog links and content here. Let’s face it, there’s only one reason to be on Google+ and that’s because posting your content and links on Google+ will help the search engine optimisation (SEO) of your web pages, blogs and digital marketing.
  • Post regularly. Because it’s all part of the one big Google family, if you do a quick status update on Google+, it’s more likely that your link will come higher up the search rankings – and that’s the pinnacle of your content dreams after all, right?
  • Use hashtags (# these annoying little finnicky buggers) to flag up your content – unlike Facebook, where using a hashtag marks you out as a prize tool, in Google+ tagging your posts may actually help you find the right audience for your latest treatise on why Fraggle Rock should be recommissioned (Ed: Good idea. Get on it, ITV!)

Don’t:

  • Try using Google+ as a social place to hang out, shoot the breeze and post the usual kind of chatty status updates. As a social networking site, it has all the ambience and attraction of a Wetherspoons boozer at 3pm on a Tuesday – in other words, it’s almost empty, and the people you DO meet will definitely not be your first choice of companion, drinking or otherwise.
  • Loiter once you’ve posted that update. Write it, stick in your hashtags and publish it: then get the HELL out of there! Stay around any longer and you may well be digitised and pulled into the Google mainframe to spend a Tron-like existence trapped for eternity in the HTML code of Chrome. Apply the Primark shopping approach: go in, get what you need, get out and hope no-one has spotted you paying £1.50 for your undercrackers.
  • Add anyone you actually know to the ‘Circles’ in Google+. This is Google’s way of grouping people together by friendship/work/customer type, and it’s all a bit too ‘sorting people and putting them in a box’ for our liking. Avoid at all costs, and talk to your real friends on Twitter or Facebook… or Snapchat if youse is like well young, innit.

 

How Not To Writte… On Twitter

What did we do with our phones before we had Twitter? (Ed: probably talk to people through them?)

Twitter is a social media network (or ‘micro-blogging site’, if you will) where you post 140 character-long ‘tweets’ about whatever the hell pops into your head at any given moment. It could be your thoughts on a recent political event, your uniquely insightful comments on Kanye’s latest track, or it could be a drunken rant about why none of your friends ever want to go out on a Friday night anymore.

The point is that, on Twitter, literally anything goes. Write it, tweet it and your great work of literary genius is out there in the world, waiting for the Twitterati to comment on. Admittedly, these comments are usually along the lines of ‘You’re an idiot!’ or ‘I think you’ve missed out an apostrophe’, but at least it’s feedback, eh.

In many ways, Twitter is the ultimate social media platform. It’s become a global phenomenon in just a few years, and it’s hard now to imagine how bad journalism/celebrity updates/online arguments existed before we had the Twittersphere. 

Do:

  • Use hashtags wisely. The golden rule is no more than 3, use them to drive people to your Twitter feed, but check your spelling.  #Ilikeyouraunt sends a very different message to followers than the regrettable time your fingers slipped and you typed a ‘c’ rather than an ‘a’.
  • Engage with your followers. Learn about them, tweet links to them and be inclusive.  Check your spelling and check their username, but once you’ve done that, you’re golden.
  • Think before you tweet. Will this tweet help me/someone else to have a laugh or is it just a non-amusing rant at the world and everyone in it. We all need those times to vent, but sometimes a public forum where your rant can never permanently be deleted (eek!), might not be the best option.
  • Learn that 3am is never the best time to tweet. Period. Nope don’t even start an argument here.
  • Try and have a personal, profile picture. It makes you seem like a real human being and not a soulless robotron (Ed: no we’re not sure what that is either). Your selfie game might not always be on point, but a nice friendly face lets people know who they’re following.
  • Write a bio. You’re limited in what you can say, but a name always helps, as does an idea of who you are and why you’re on Twitter.  If you need more space to explain about yourself, set up a blog or website and include the links in your bio.

Don’t:  

  • EVER drunk tweet! It’s the number one rule of tweeting, to be adhered to at all costs. Adele got her account removed from her for some questionable tweetage when drunk. We don’t need any blurry shots of you miming something questionable with a saveloy at midnight in the local chip shop. You will regret this. Your mum will regret it and the saveloy will most definitely regret it. Stay smart, stay safe, stay saveloy free and most importantly stay sober when tweeting.
  • Use twitter just to complain loudly. No one likes a moaning Minnie and everyone can spot a ‘freebie’ chancer a mile off. Do engage with companies, do tell them what you think but despite your frustrated anger simmering in a cauldron of contempt, try to remain professional. There are people at the end of Twitter accounts, despite the image of soulless bureaucracy of ….(insert worst imaginable company here… normally something to do with trains).
  • Spam tweet/over tweet/keep selling something. It’s dull, it’s boring and WE DON’T CARE.  Oh yeah, check your spelling and your grammar and your hashtag game.
  • Ever and we mean ever, use ‘clickbait’ phrases like ‘Oh my god, and what she did next you’ll never believe… ‘ or ‘You’ve been using [random object] wrong this WHOLE time…’. It’s Twitter suicide and will drive your followers away quicker than a conversation about Brexit.

How Not To Writte… Private Messages

Be it Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, private messaging can be a great way of sharing content and keeping in touch with fellow users, whilst keeping your public profile free of ‘random chat’ and messages best left to the private sphere.

This of course includes all those random drunk Friday night chats all about your private ‘spheres’…and we’ve all had a few of THOSE conversations, right (Ed: speak for yourself)

Do:

  • Be aware that even though something is ‘private’ any messages can be ‘screen grabbed’.
  • Check, check and check again who you’re messaging. Be sure you know who you’re actually talking to. Is it a generic corporate account, a real live person or a sex bot? All require very different approaches.
  • Remember just because you sent a PM/DM, it won’t always stay private – everything can be copied and pasted complete with your profile picture.
  • Remember other people may ‘accidentally’ access users accounts, so if your messaging is particularly fruity/honest/libellous, check the way the recipient is responding. Is the language they’re using the same? Is the use of emojis, tone and sayings the same? In short, are you talking to the right person?
  • Keep things brief. Messaging is not the medium for a 1,400 word essay on your subject of choice. Think along the lines of Twitter, 140 characters, and make them work for you. Most people are reading messages on smaller screens, so constant scrolling means the important part of your message may be lost.
  • Remember when to leave/stop. This goes for PMing a company, your celeb crush on Instagram or your newest friend on Facebook – keep them wanting more. Plus, you know, RSI is on the rise, so give your digits a rest.
  • Try to understand how the different PM/DMs work across social media.
    • Twitter – great for ‘quick’ chats or when you need to share details with a company to resolve a complaint.
    • Facebook – for friends, use the messenger app. It’s good for longer conversations, much like Skype, but be wary of the obligatory ‘online’ status – there’s no way of turning it off, so everyone knows you’re online.
    • Instagram – well, no one really uses it, as it’s really just a quick way to send an Instagram post link to someone else. In our opinion, Instagram isn’t really set up to be an ‘interactive’ tool, it’s much more designed to show off your ‘tools’.
    • Skype – a real chat client, similar to WhatsApp. You can create groups and chat to one person, or several people, at a time. It’s easy to make yourself ‘invisible’ (always handy) but predominantly used for quick text messages, sending pics or video chatting for free across the world.
    • Find a social media app that works for you and your recipient; they all have pros and cons, so use one that supports your needs.

Don’t:

  • Whatever you do, don’t PM, DM or otherwise attempt direct contact with celebrities. It doesn’t matter that they waved to you that time in Sainsbury’s, or that they ‘liked’ or replied to a post of yours. You won’t come across as a friendly fan or fellow ‘creative type’, you will come across as a psychopathic stalker.
  • Straight men approaching females – don’t have your opening message say ‘Hey hot chick, wanna look at my dick’. We can assure you that 99.9% of women have no desire to see it, hear about it or do anything with it.
  • In fact, straight men approaching women – be very very careful what you message ladies.  Don’t, for example, approach someone you’ve only just started following and have barely responded to with the classic ‘hey girl, wanna hang?’. At best you’re likely to be sent a gif of a hangman’s noose.
  • Don’t assume you’ll get an immediate response. People are online at different times, or may be doing different things, or may need to think before formulating a response. Be patient. Be calm. In essence, be Yoda.
  • With this is mind, don’t hassle people if you ‘see’ they’re online but aren’t responding to you. Give them a break, they may be logged on for a specific reason, which may not include you. If you are real proper buddies then you may have their number and if it’s an emergency you can ring them, but otherwise don’t demand their attention all the time.
  • For heaven’s sake, don’t rant, rage and swear at a recipient, regardless of how frustrated you may be. Try to remain calm and state your issues and needs appropriately. In fact, wherever possible try not to respond if you’re seeing red – it never ends well.